Monday, September 13, 2010

Don't Hate Me Because You're Not Me

Is it okay to have a friend that is the opposite sex?

I ask this because, I had friends of the male gender, and needless to say they are no longer my friends. The reason being is that their significant other felt threatened by me. Now we did nothing inappropriate, in fact I knew the guys, in most cases, before they even met their significant other. If we were going to be together, or do anything inappropriate, I think it would have happened prior to their girlfriend entering the picture.

I think the major issue here is trust. Whether it be trust because the male friend did something previously, nothing to do with me, that made their girlfriend not trust them, or the girlfriend did something and now they think that their boyfriend is going to do something. Guilty conscience, and or, no one did anything and it's just down right jealousy. So there I am with a note from a “friend” saying “yeah um I can’t be your friend any more because my girlfriend feels threatened by you" or I just no longer hear from my friend ever again, vanished, gone without a trace. I then, at that point respect the girlfriend's wishes, and never speak to my so called friend again.

I am easy to talk to, I love to listen to people when they need it. They can come to me because I do not judge. Sometimes people just need an non-biased opinion. I am a very open minded person and I like to listen to people talk. Maybe that’s why I have not ventured out of the customer service field. I like to consider myself an un-paid psychiatrist.

Perhaps I care too much? Maybe I shouldn’t take in to consideration other people’s feelings? Maybe I shouldn’t want to help people with their problems? No I will continue to do that and I will continue to be where I think I need to be so people can have an outlet of what they need to talk about, and if your significant other cannot handle the fact that you talk to me, well then I guess maybe we shouldn’t be friends. I do not want to be the reason that your relationship does not work out, even though there are probably more darker reasons that I.

I no longer confide in anyone, but I at least want people to know that there is someone out there that they can confide in. I consider myself a very kick ass friend and the best friend anyone could have.

Glad to get that out! Thank you all for putting up  with these types of posts when they happen.


Terry Stonecrop said...

I've been through this and worse with jealous women. There's nothing you can do except stay out of the line of fire;)

And you're right, there are darker reasons and the relationships don't tend to work out.

nollyposh said...

Their problem, sad but true... i have learned that some friends need to be allowed go and others need to be allowed to BE friends... It's like you can't just give gifts, and not allow others to give them to you as well, otherwise you are being selfish really... i think friendship should be a two way street... Perhaps you would be good in a counseling career if you just want to listen and help but not to share of yourself?

BeMistified said...

Terry: Yeah, I just chalked it up as someone who probably didn't need to be in my life any way.

Nolly: It's not that I don't want to share what I have feelings wise, it's just after the first few times of it biting you in the ass, you tend to not want to do it any more. I just decided to be a mortician so that way I don't have to deal with the living. Haha!

Simple Dude said...

It's a guy thing... some members of my gender are not able to be "just friends" with a woman. When I say 'some members' I mean about 65% of us. Seriously. I counted.

And women know this, so thats where the trust issues come from. Unfortunately until you determine if your guy is one of the 65% or not, your best to have your guard up.


BeMistified said...

Dude: Yeah guard is always up any more. "Seriously. I counted." Just awesome.

She Writes said...

Yes, it is okay. That said, I would not keep a guy friend at the expense of my boyfriend's feelings if he was terribly bothered about one of them. Is that healthy? Who knows.

JeffScape said...

Ah, but I only confide in those who confide. :P

Me, myself and I said...

I think it is ok to have friends of the opposite sex...but I don't have many friends period...boys have cooties anyways :) Sorry that losing your friend has hurt you. From my point of view the only thing that I would dislike about my husband having close friends that are woman is if I feel his emotional bond to her was stronger than his bond to me. That might bother me a little.But my husband has few friends too. I read through a few of your posts, I like your blog.

Roland D. Yeomans said...

My best friend is a woman ... and married. She is still my best friend. But like you, I get vibes from her husband that he looks at me jadedly ... as if I have dubious motives.

It hurts to be misunderstood. I know she loves her husband with all her heart. I would no more make a move on her than slap her ... which making a move on her would be ... actually now that I think on it.

He's a psychologist and knows that 85% of men are hardwired so that to be close to a woman is to want to have sex with her. But that leaves 15% of us guys who actually can see a woman as other than an outlet for our sex drive.

My best friend is also a psychologist, and she points out that it is a dangerous world out there for a woman to let down her guard and confide in someone.

You must watch someone over time to measure how trustworthy and emotionally healthy they are before you confide in them.

But it is a very lonely life never to confide in someone. Not everyone, mind you. But one person you can trust and talk to can make a problem something that can be endured more easily, perhaps even learned from.

NollyPosh had an interesting idea : is it possible for you to seek out counseling education?

You had an thought-provoking post. Thanks, Roland

Dede said...

My question is why would you want to be with someone that you do not trust? If she is worried about him being with a friend, how much time is she going to spend worrying about all of the other females he is going to come in contact with in one day? If you don't have trust, you don't have anything. Jealous or insecurities, either way it isn't healthy for either one.
Wishing you an awesome day!


BeMistified said...

*She Writes:* That’s it, no one knows.

Jeff: Wait Jeff how did you get in here. Haha!

Jess: I guess the question would be, why is the bond stronger with her than with you? I can see where you are coming from totally. Thank you for finding my blog and commenting.

Roland: I really wanted to be a forensic psychologist, even just a psychologist that gets paid by the session/hour to hear other people problems. Unfortunately, I am one that absolutely hates school. That’s a whole other topic. Haha! I can get the Mortuary Science degree in 2 years and that is something I have always wanted to do any way since I could remember. Thank you, as well, for wondering over to my blog and commenting.

Dede: Well said and thank you too! Awesome day right back at you.

Anonymous said...

I've actually been in your shoes. I was friends with a guy for a really long time, his girlfriend didn't like me and accused him of cheating with me (although she did cheat on him) and actually the guy I was dating at the time hated him and never accused me of cheating but was on the verge of it. It sucked and now we hardly speak b/c of those 2. He's now back with the skanky hoe and I've moved on to my now husband but still....

BeMistified said...

Nicole: See because the chick did something, her guilty conscience screwed up a friendship, but obviously not her relationship. Lessons learned, but it still sucks.

SweetiePea said...

Wow, lots of interesting thoughts here. I have a hard time making friends male or female. I've been burned a lot by both. It's very difficult to break down the emotional wall I've built up for myself. Hard to trust. So, even thought it'd be completely irrational I'd probably be jealous if my significant other had a friend of the opposite sex. But I would probably not voice my objections.

BeMistified said...

Sweetie: It is good to communicate with your partner though I think, especially if you feel uncomfortable. However, I think that your partner should also be upfront and not hide anything, for that is where all the problems start, I feel.

The Sword of Odin Knife Blog said...


Unfortunately, this is true. I think that people who do not allow their significant other to have friends of the opposite sex because they have way been emotionally "traumatized" (for lack of a better word) as a result of past experiences where they were cheated on by their significant other(s).
As a result of being cheated on, the person finds it difficult to trust their significant other in relationships with the opposite sex for fear of being cheated on again.
Most of my friends are of the opposite sex and thankfully my wife does not have any problem with that. My wife also has friends of the opposite sex too.

Thanks for a great post!

BeMistified said...

Knife: Thank you for finding your way over to my blog! Either way it is just so damn frustrating lol. Kinda find it ball-less that the guys didn't stick up for themselves, or even for me I know selfish, and just walked away with a tail between their legs. I found my way to your blog, mmmm knives.

The Sword of Odin Knife Blog said...

Hello BeMistified,
I am following your blog also. I see you have many posts with interesting titles. I will soon be dropping by to read some more.
Stop by and visit again, I will too.

Your friend,

forestwalk/laura k said...

yeah, i think it all comes down to a 'trust' thing...if your friend's wife doesn't trust her husband/partner...than she's gonna keep wondering what's going on between the 2 of you. it could be that HE has given her eason in the past to not trust him...(then why's she still there?!) OR it's her own self esteem issues...maybe if she got to KNOW you...she would feel better...oh can be complicated...